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The Dirtiest Campaign Speech Anthony Weiner Never Gave

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By Le Corbeaunoir Danger

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Some friends and I were drinking beer the other night while watching the news about New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner and his latest apology for emailing photos of his crank and texting dirty on the internet.  One of my friends then reminded me that I used to be a sometimes speech writer for a local politician back in my native state of New York, and dared me to write a campaign speech I would like to see Weiner give.  After a few more beers, I accepted the challenge and wrote the following parody:
New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner

“Hello.  My name is Anthony Weiner and I’m running for Mayor of New York.  Yes, I want to be the Big Apple’s Big Weiner.

“I thank the Democrat Party for enabling me all of these years.  I could not have become all that I symbolize today without the generous encouragement and support of the Democrat Party.  I also thank my wife for enabling me to be the kind of person I am.  Her approval is what has allowed me to stay in this race and get closer to putting my hand on the keys to the city.  The Democrat Party and my wife have freed me from the burdens of good character and common decency, allowing me to flagrantly engage in my own special brand of degeneracy without fear of moral recrimination or political consequences.  Their support has never gone limp.  For this I will always owe them my amazing political viability.

“Standing fully erect before you today, I say that what City Hall needs is a 6-foot-5-inch Weiner thrust deeply into the seat of government.  Not just any Weiner, but a Weiner that has performed before the entire world.  A Weiner we all have come to know.

“I say that when voters go into those little booths to stroke their ballots in private, I want them to stroke one for me.  My new campaign slogan is simple and direct: ‘Stroke Weiner When You Vote.’

“As I look down at New York City spread widely before me, I see a city that craves Weiner.  A city that just can’t get enough of Weiner.

“Thinking about how New York wants Weiner has made my political determination rigid and firm, and pointed me in the direction I am taking today.

“And to those who moan that I have gone far enough and now need to quickly pull out of the race, I have this to say: First of all, my pulling out now would be premature, and would leave voters frustrated and unsatisfied.  I want to stimulate and satisfy every voter I can between now and Election Day, or my sexting pseudonym isn’t Carlos Danger.

Weiner for Mayor Logo“Second of all, I intend to stick it out.  I intend to stick it out all over our great city.  I intend to stick it out all over the internet and on cable television.  I intend to stick it out in every borough and neighborhood, in and out of every venue I can until the body of voters beg me to please stop because it can’t take any more Weiner.

“I am, above all, a hands-on candidate eager to plunge deeply into the body politic, and my campaign organization has the stamina to go all the way, and then some.

“Size matters, and we are campaigning big.  Our massive voter communication and social networking effort has exposed more of me to more voters than any other candidate in this race, especially on Twitter.  It has made “Weiner” a household word.

“Now, there will be a lot of hot, sweaty campaigning between now and the September 10 primary, and the job will get even dirtier between then and the final election on November 5, but I am confident that I will always end up on top of all the other bodies in the pile.

“My campaign organization will swell and rub against millions of Gothamites, probing them at every turn.  I will be going in and out of every community that lets me in, moving deeper and deeper, again and again, slowly at first, and then in ever-quickening thrusts to the pulsating rhythm of raw political intercourse, heaving and groaning, until climaxing on  Election Day in a spectacular, orgasmic release of political inhibition.  And, after the full rapture of the campaign leaves us exhausted and fully pleasured, the campaign will roll over and have a cigarette.

“I say come with me.  Come with me all the way through the campaign, and enjoy the sweet, indescribable joy of sticking a great big Weiner into the City of New York Mayor’s seat.

“Thank you all, and please remember to Stroke Weiner When You Vote.”

Written by Le Corbeaunoir

July 25, 2013 at 11:38 am

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